As parents, our role is to create a safe environment for our children, especially when dysregulation hits. We can either escalate the situations and join in the crazy or we can de-escalate using the unique toolkit of strategies and our family plan.
Below are starting points to help you create your tool kit and write your plan to navigate those challenging moments or seasons supporting yourself and your child effectively.
Play Your Role!
Children feel safe when adults hold boundaries, validate and empathise. This creates a secure environment where the family system can function best.
“Parents have the job of establishing safety through boundaries, validation and empathy. Children have the job of exploring and learning, through experiencing and expressing their emotions.” Dr Becky Kennedy, 2024.
Our role as parents is to provide this safety, allowing our children to respond and learn within these safe boundaries. This is the training ground for emotional regulation, impulse control, and emotional literacy. Even if our children don't always understand or agree with our decisions, if our motives are to keep them safe, we are doing our job.
If you have a rule of no screens after 8 PM, stick to it consistently. If they try to push for a later time, calmly and firmly remind them of the established routine. Explain that sleep is essential for their health and screens can impact sleep habits and you are there to ensure they get enough rest.
There might be many tears, much foot stomping or screaming but our job is to hold the boundary, validate those big emotions and to empathise. Through this, we create emotional safety to feel deeply, be heard and validated.
“Our kids should not dictate the boundaries and we should not dictate their feelings.” Dr Becky Kennedy, 2024.
Dial Up Connection
In the 1970s John Bowlby’s research around attachment showed attachment is survival mechanism, if we have a safe adult to attach to we have our basic needs met. Children are constantly scanning to check in if they are safe, if they are seen, if they are loveable. Over time they might feel certain behaviours are met with rejection, maybe a harsh word or they might be ignored. If we look at some of the more challenging behaviours through a connection seeking lens and match the behaviour with the increased connection it can be transformational. We help children show up as their whole selves, accepted, known and truly loved. Their nervous system co regulates with our and their arousal levels decrease.
When your child is more demanding, constantly on the go or whining, try giving your full attention for even just 10 minutes. This could be sitting alongside them and joining in their play, cooking a meal together one night a week, roughhousing or kicking a ball around the garden.
For more regular connection points, Schedule a weekly “date” with your child where you do an activity they enjoy, such as going to the park, baking cookies, or playing their favourite board game. This special time reinforces your connection and provides opportunities for open communication and trust to grow.
Engaging in side-by-side activities like preparing dinner, going for a walk, or crafting together, can facilitate conversations and provide an opportunity for your child to express their feelings with less pressure. While cooking dinner, involve your child by having them help with simple tasks like washing vegetables or stirring a pot. Use this time to talk about their day and listen to their thoughts and concerns.
Connect with the Body
Often dysregulated nervous systems can be soothed by the body. “If you want to manage your emotions better, your brain gives you two options: You can learn to regulate them from the top down or from the bottom up. Knowing the difference between top down and bottom up regulation is central for understanding and treating traumatic stress. Top-down regulation involves strengthening the capacity of the watchtower to monitor your body's sensations. Mindfulness meditation and yoga can help with this. Bottom-up regulation involves recalibrating the autonomic nervous system...we can access the ANS through breath, movement, or touch.”― Bessel A. van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
Engaging the proprioceptive system in these ways can be very calming. This looks like heavy work activities like pushing a shopping cart, carrying groceries, or jumping on a trampoline can help children feel grounded. The “burrito wrap” involves wrapping your child tightly in a blanket, simulating a calming deep pressure similar to a weighted blanket.
Double Down on Routine
Routine is crucial in promoting safety and stability. Use visual aids, task cards, and clear schedules to help your child know what to expect. A consistent routine can reduce anxiety and help children feel more in control. At key points of the year when you are navigating transitions, you might need to create a visual schedule for the day that includes pictures and times for each activity, such as breakfast, school, playtime, and bedtime. For older ones transitioning to university or heading to work for the first time it could be chucking the key parts of the morning routine and writing the key steps in the location e.g medication, snack and water whilst still in bed before moving to the bathroom where shower, shampoo, conditioner, shower gel, teeth are written on the bathroom mirror. Building in predictability unfamiliar environments could look like being at a festival and giving your child the lanyard with all the artists so they can follow the order and know what is coming next.
Slow Down and Give Space for Play
Play is restorative and helps children process their emotions. Healthychildren.org cited a study that showed, 3- to 4-year-old children, anxious about entering preschool, were two times more likely to feel less stressed when allowed to play for 15 minutes, compared to classmates who listened to a story.
Allow your child ample time for unstructured unhurried play.
This downtime is essential for their emotional well-being.
You might need to set aside a specific time each day for free play. This could be in the back garden, with building blocks, or imaginative play with dolls or action figures. Avoid overscheduling their day to ensure they have enough time to relax and play.
Reduce Demands
Evaluate what is essential right now and cut back on unnecessary demands. Reducing expectations can alleviate pressure on your child and give them the space they need to regulate.
“It's dropping demands and aligning expectations in order to meet our children with radical acceptance.” Amanda Deikman
You might want to start to evaluate what low-demand mealtimes look like. For example, does your child need to be seated if they really can’t today? Is it essential they use cutlery or finish everything on their plate?
What simple steps could you take to align your expectations to the capacity your child has right now? This will change and at key points of the year you might need to drop the demands and offer more scaffolding.
Audit Basic Needs
Check if your child is sleep-deprived, hungry, or lacking other basic needs. According to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, fundamental physiological requirements must be met before a person can focus on higher-level functioning. Ensure these basics are addressed.
If your child is dysregulated, consider if they might be tired, hungry or need the toilet. Ensure they have had enough sleep, regular meals, and snacks throughout the day. A simple snack or a short nap can sometimes prevent a meltdown. Whilst you are at it, it's worth checking in with yours too!
Track Back and Reflect
Spend time reflecting on your child's behaviour. Notice any patterns or triggers. Ask yourself, "What has been different lately?" and "Where do I see these behaviours occurring most often?" Understanding the context can help you develop more effective strategies, getting ahead and preventing or having the right tools and a plan for when it hits.
Keep a journal to track your child’s behaviour and any notable events or changes in their routine. Look for patterns, such as increased dysregulation after a busy day at school or when they haven’t had enough physical activity.
Free Tool to Get Started
To help you begin this journey, I’m offering a free tool to start collating some of your child's needs and strategies. This tool will assist you in identifying key areas where your child can benefit from support and how to address them effectively.
Email Jo@TheEarlyYEarsCoach.com to access the tool and create a personalised plan that outlines your child's specific needs and effective strategies for managing dysregulation. This can be a helpful reference family and school.
Tailored Support for Your Unique Family Needs
For further tailored support, consider investing in 1:1 coaching with me. I offer personalised programs over 3 or 6 months to address the unique needs of your family and help your child thrive. Together, we can develop strategies and tools that work best for your specific situation.
Schedule a call to discuss your family’s specific challenges and goals. We can work together to identify your next step for improving emotional regulation, building routine, or strengthening family connections.
Conclusion
Handling dysregulation in children requires patience, consistency, and a deep understanding of their needs. By playing our role as supportive empathetic adults, doubling down on routines, connecting deeply, and addressing basic needs, we can create an environment where our children feel safe and supported. Remember, you are not alone in this journey—tools and tailored support are available to help you and your child thrive.
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