Summer is often a time filled with joy, relaxation, and reunions with family and friends. However, it can also bring about a heavy sense of judgment, especially when others see or comment on our parenting styles. Many parents find themselves weighed down by these expectations, trying to balance their child's unique needs while navigating the opinions of those around them.
In recent coaching sessions, a recurring theme has been this very sense of judgment. While the family might now fully understand their child's needs and the unique strategies that work for them, they are yet to confidently advocate outside of the home. Parents often feel scrutinised by friends and family members who don’t see their daily efforts and may misunderstand their parenting choices. Here’s a perspective to consider: accommodations for our children might look like “giving in,” but they are essential for addressing their lagging cognitive skills. Understanding this and partnering with others can lighten our emotional load and align our actions with our values, our child's needs, and their skills. In short, we set them up to succeed!
A Quick Look at the Neuroscience
Understanding the connection between brain function and behaviour is crucial. Research shows that the brain and behaviours are always connected; the two can never be separated. For children with different neurobiology—e.g., FASD, Autism, ADHD, PANS/PANDAS, or a history of complex trauma—their brain functions differently due to adverse events, toxic stress, illness, or genetics. This difference in brain function and structure is reflected in their behaviours.
Behaviours are the symptoms of their brain-based differences. For example, a child with slower auditory processing may need extra time to understand what’s been said or asked of them. This may appear as though they are not listening when, in fact, they need more time to process the information. Similarly, a child with difficulties in learning and memory might struggle to follow multi-step directions, appearing easily frustrated or distracted. These behaviours give us insight into how their brain works differently.
When children with different neurobiology are expected to meet the same standards as their neurotypical peers without accommodations, they often feel misunderstood, anxious, and frustrated. This poor fit between the child's abilities and their environment is often expressed through challenging behaviours.
Listening to my clients, here is a list of: Things I'd Like My Family and Friends to Know
My Child is Doing Their Best
I want you to understand and believe that if my child could do better, they would. This belief is foundational to the way I parent and support others.
Example: Imagine a child who struggles with reading. It’s not that they don’t want to read or are being lazy. They are trying their best, but they need more time and support to improve. In the same way, if my child could handle their emotions better or follow instructions easily, they would. They need understanding and patience from us, rather than judgment.
Mind the Gap!
Please understand the gap between my child's social/emotional age and their actual chronological age. This helps us set realistic expectations and provide better support.
Example: Think of a 10-year-old who behaves more like a 6-year-old when it comes to sharing or waiting their turn. This isn't a sign of poor parenting but a reflection of where they are developmentally. Recognising this can help us meet them where they are and support their growth more effectively.
Traditional Discipline Does Not Work
Traditional discipline methods like time-outs and consequences might work for some children, but not all, especially the neurodivergent. I focus on connection over correction, aiming to de-escalate the situation and help them regulate. I focus on teaching skills and unpicking those challenging behaviors in moments when they can truly learn, often outside the heat of the moment.
Example: Consider a child who has a meltdown in the middle of a family dinner. Instead of giving a time-out right then, which may not help them calm down or understand what went wrong, I recommend waiting until they are calm and then discussing what happened and how to handle it differently next time, or being proactive by ensuring strategies are in place for that child to succeed and participate in the meal. This approach ensures my child is in a better state to learn and understand.
Accommodations Are Essential
Accommodations for my child are not "giving in" but necessary adjustments to help them succeed. They address their unique needs and prevent meltdowns or frustrations.
Example: If my child has trouble organising their homework, I might help them create a detailed schedule or checklist. This might look like I'm doing too much for them, but it's actually providing the support they need to eventually learn to do it on their own.
Sometimes We Need to Leave Early
Sometimes, sensory overload or brain fatigue means we have to leave gatherings early. Instead of judging, a follow-up call to check in can mean a lot to me.
Example: If you notice us leaving a family barbecue early, rather than feeling upset or offended, you could call us later to see how we’re doing. This shows you care and understand that we’re managing our child's needs the best way we can.
I'm Learning Too
I am continuously learning how to parent through a brain-first lens. I would love to share this journey with you so you can understand my child's needs and behaviours better.
Example: You might hear me talking about new strategies I'm using to help my child with homework or social interactions. Showing interest and asking questions about these strategies can help you understand my child's needs better and show support for my efforts.
Compassion Over Concern Helps
Expressing compassion, empathy, and non-judgmental listening can provide immense support as I navigate this journey.
Example: If I confide in you about a difficult day we had, listening without offering unsolicited advice or judgment can be incredibly supportive. Sometimes, I just need to feel heard and understood.
Brain Fatigue is Real
My child might "behave" well in one setting but fall apart at home due to extreme brain fatigue from trying to meet expectations. This isn’t intentional misbehaviour but a sign of their struggle and effort.
Example: If you see my child being polite and calm during a visit but then having a meltdown shortly after we get home, it’s likely because they were working very hard to manage their behaviour and are now exhausted. Recognising this helps us see their struggles and efforts more clearly, fostering empathy rather than frustration.
Reflecting and Moving Forward
What resonates with you from this list? What might you add based on your experiences?
Recognising where you feel discomfort can be a signal to explore those feelings further and understand their root causes.
Coaching Questions
What Do You Want Your Loved One to Know? Think about what your family member might not understand about your child’s needs. How can you help them see your child’s challenges and successes through a brain-first lens?
How Can You Set Your Child Up for Success? What accommodations or supports have you found most effective for your child? How can you communicate these to your family members so they can also support your child effectively?
Where Do You Feel the Most Judged? Identify situations or behaviours that draw the most judgment from others. What might these judgments be signalling about their understanding (or misunderstanding) of your child’s needs?
What Support Do You Need from Family and Friends? Reflect on specific ways your family and friends can support you better. How can you communicate these needs to them in a way that fosters empathy and understanding?
How Can You Foster Open Conversations? Consider how you can create an environment where questions and curiosity are welcomed. What information or resources can you share with your family to help them understand your child’s unique brain?
As always, if you seek further support or wish to discuss these ideas more in-depth, don’t hesitate to reach out to me at Jo@TheEarlyYearsCoach.com.
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