Low demand parenting is about recognising and respecting the unique capacities and needs of the person you care for, particularly when it comes to neurodivergent children. It challenges the conventional approach of pushing through difficulties, urging compliance, and fitting in, which can be overwhelming and even harmful for some individuals.
Understanding Demands
Demands aren't one-size-fits-all. What feels like a minor task to one person might be a significant challenge to another. These demands can vary from day to day or even moment to moment. For example, putting on socks might feel like a monumental task for a child returning to school after a summer of wearing sliders, or sitting still in a meeting might be unbearable when your body is telling you to move.
As a parent or caregiver, it's essential to notice where demands might not match the capacity or skills of the person you’re caring for. What might it look like to let go of certain expectations?
The Cost of Compliance
We often learn to push through discomfort, to comply, and to fit in. However, for neurodivergent individuals, this can be exhausting and debilitating. Masking, or hiding one's true feelings and behaviours to fit in, can lead to high stress and burnout. Instead, working with a person's unique neurobiology, focusing on their energy levels, and respecting their limits can create a more supportive and sustainable environment.
Dropping Demands
At its core, low demand parenting is about reducing or eliminating unnecessary demands or expectations, creating a life that aligns with the individual’s capacity and skills. As Dr. Ross Greene famously said, "Kids do well if they can." This approach acknowledges that a person's ability to meet expectations can fluctuate. There will be times when they have the capacity to handle more, and other times when even the simplest tasks might feel overwhelming.
The key is to prioritise the relationship above all else. Empathise with the individual's lived experience and work with them to cut out the demands that don’t matter right now. Focus on what is truly important in that moment.
Letting Go
Letting go of certain expectations requires significant self-awareness and reflection. It’s about peeling back the layers of societal, familial, and personal expectations that might be driving these demands. For example, there’s a lot of pressure around ensuring kids eat a varied and nutritious diet. However, for some children, the simple act of eating can be a struggle.
Family meals around the table, wearing certain clothes, or even sitting down for dinner might be non-negotiable for some, but in a low-demand approach, these expectations might be re-evaluated. Maybe it’s okay if your child eats Christmas dinner in their pants and goggles because the heat from cooking is overwhelming, and the goggles make them feel safe. Reducing arousal levels and enabling the child to participate is more important.
Crisis Mode: Focus on What Really Matters
When your family is in crisis—when every day feels chaotic and overwhelming—it’s crucial to let go of everything except what truly matters. Focus on trust and connection with your child. This relationship is the foundation for everything else, and once it’s strong, other steps can be gradually reintroduced.
Rebuilding
Start by identifying the most significant battle and work on releasing that first. Drop the demand, build the relationship and trust, then slowly reintroduce the task in small steps. And remember, it’s okay to drop it again if needed. The relationship is the key, and some days will be easier than others. What’s important is that your child knows you see their struggle, believe in them, and are there to support them.
Low demand parenting is about meeting your child where they are, understanding their unique needs, and creating an environment where they can thrive. It’s not about giving up; it’s about letting go of unrealistic expectations and focusing on what truly matters: the relationship.
Struggling with Parenting? Consider 1:1 Parent Coaching
If you're finding it difficult to navigate the challenges of parenting, consider 1:1 parent coaching. Together, we can tailor our conversations to meet the needs of your unique context, ensuring that you:
Conquer overwhelm with a personalised family plan that aligns with your child’s capacity.
Create an environment for smooth transitions using proven tools and techniques that respect your child’s needs.
Implement strategies for emotional regulation, fostering a calm and supportive home atmosphere.
Enhance communication skills for more effective interactions with teachers and other caregivers.
Identify and address lagging skills promptly, ensuring they don’t become overwhelming.
Embed learning in a way that feels natural and secure.
Leverage your child’s strengths to build confidence and resilience, focusing on what they can do.
Support your child’s self-advocacy skills, helping them express their needs and preferences effectively.
Together, we can create a supportive, low-demand environment where your child—and your family—can thrive.
Book a FREE discovery call to find out more and secure your place.
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