It can be tough to articulate our need for connection as adults, we don't want to feel needy! We are designed for connection, we need it to thrive! It quickly becomes apparent when we don't have it. What does disconnect or loneliness look like for you? How does it affect your thoughts, emotions and actions?
It's just the same for our children, they long for connection but the way they communicate that need can often be confusing! These bigger, louder, messier behaviours can highlight unmet needs. Regularly, getting time to reconnect, and feel seen, heard and loved can make a huge impact.
So what might that look like?
I'm using the Gary Chapman framework around Love Languages to explore and identify strategies that might work for your family.
You see, we all give and receive love in very different ways. I am a gifter. I love buying gifts and wrapping gifts, and gift shopping goes on throughout the year as I enjoy finding something someone would like. At times this works perfectly and the person receives it and is thrilled and notices the time and care. On other occasions, this doesn’t work out as well, newly engaged to my fiance I was going to be away for a couple of weeks and had thoughtfully bought wrapped and written notes for each day I was away. But I've learnt, this was a mismatch of love languages. I think he was a little bemused and didn’t get it!
I wonder if this sometimes happens with our children and family relationships too. Often as parents, we strive to do the things that we think will make our children feel loved, but we end up feeling resentful when it is not well received, sometimes even rejected and we are left confused.
Have you ever booked the most exciting day out but it’s not worked?
Can’t they see the love you poured into the experience?!
You see, we all have a preferred love language. I recently did a survey (link at the bottom of the page) to identify what would come out as top, at this stage of life. I love giving gifts as I have already said but many people say I am not easy to buy for. I probably prefer acts of service or quality time (I think the intensity of parenting has a lot to do with that right now!) Love feels like someone loading the washing machine or clearing their places after breakfast.
Here are the 5 Love Languages, read through and see what resonates for your family.
Words of affirmation. I like to play "say what you see…” Spot the positive, make it visible, say it in others' hearing, and help them notice the strengths in others too. It could sound like, “Thank you for helping me sweep the floor. I loved that you noticed I was struggling and came to help. That was so kind!”
Some children find receiving verbal praise uncomfortable. Praise postcards are a great way to celebrate and give praise in secret, subtle signals or writing your “say what you see” in a note and hiding it under their pillow.
How does it feel to receive words of affirmation?
How does it feel to give words of affirmation?
Challenge your family to speak kind words today.
Who do you notice thriving? Where do you notice discomfort?
Quality Time can be a tricky one. It can often feel like we need to do the big flashy day trips or spend every moment of Christmas stuck to each other to have 'quality time'. I don’t know about you, but that is a recipe for disaster in our house! Quality time will look different for everyone! It is not about quantity but quality of time. What do you need so you can be fully present? How do you prepare to give undivided attention for 10, 15 or 20 minutes at a time? This could look like playing games, dressing up, or picking up sticks together on a walk.
How does it feel to enjoy someone's undivided attention?
How does it feel to give your undivided attention?
Challenge your family to spend quality time together today.
What might you choose? What is different when you do?
Gift Giving doesn't have to be the big things. Often, our little ones give a stick, half the cracker they’ve been chewing on or a collection of pebbles.
How do you show you value these gifts?
I have a 'gifter' in the form of my eldest daughter, like me she spots things that she thinks others would like and enjoys finding items of her own to wrap, adorn with ribbon and write cute notes. For those who struggle with gifts and would rather enjoy the boxes, we have been working on the heart of the receiver. It’s tough to receive something you don’t like or it's something you can't understand. This is why navigating birthdays with children can be tough. Sometimes the anticipation and the surprise are all too much and the reality is a letdown. This can certainly be an area to work through if you have gift-givers in the family.
How does it feel to receive a gift?
How does it feel to give a gift?
Challenge your family to make small gifts for each other today and practise receiving them.
What might you choose? Who is a 'gifter'? Who thrives on receiving?
Acts of service I wonder how this works in your family. I know I spend hours in acts of service that often go unnoticed until they are not done. This week has included two pirate outfits, a toga, driving around to clubs and countless meals and loads of washing. I guess it is similar for you, do you also sometimes have hurled back at you, “You don’t do anything for me!” You start to question, how can they not see?! Often this love language mismatch breeds resentment. When disconnected, when dysregulated, and when feeling overwhelmed they are focussed on the need at that moment that is not being met and that may be found as one of the other love languages.
How does it feel when someone helps you do a task or does it for you?
How does it feel to help someone?
Challenge your family to spend time helping one another today.
What might you choose? What is different when you do?
Physical Touch can be a bit like marmite, some love it and some hate it. Some quickly reach their tolerance level whilst others have a real need for intense prolonged physical contact. A lot of that is probably down to your unique sensory processing and nervous system. There might be a touch that is too alerting and brings dysregulation. Other forms of touch like a tight squeeze or sitting on a rocking chair together could be soothing and regulating.
What do you know already about your family's tactile preferences?
How does it feel to be touched?
How does it feel to give physical touch?
For some, touch is very uncomfortable, so why not explore? What sensations do you enjoy? What type of touch is uncomfortable?
Challenge your family to spend time exploring tactile input and sensory preferences.
What would be different if you used more physical touch throughout the day?
As you went through the 5 love languages, what did you notice?
What's your love language?
How do other members of your family feel love?
How do they show love?
What might be different if you spoke their language?
I would love to know what resonates with your experiences. There might be several areas to check out. If there are, why not pick one to start exploring with your child?
Where would have the most impact, try not to do it all at once as it can easily become overwhelming!
If this is something you would like support to navigate, why not explore going deeper with my 6-month coaching package? Invest £900 and receive 12 coaching sessions, tools and email support to help you gain greater awareness of the situation, identify solutions and start taking action. Working together over 6 months enables you to get to the root, trial different approaches and embed and new way to be.
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