How do you find the morning routine?
One client commented, It’s like going 10 rounds with Mike Tyson and then I have to go to work!
Getting out of the house is challenging and if you parent a neurodivergent child or are neurodivergent yourself, it can be even harder!
“I hadn’t realised how hard it was to leave the house until my ND child wasn’t with us. We just decided we’d go out for lunch got our shoes on and left the house!” Parent Client.
Sometimes just acknowledging where there is a struggle can be powerful!
There is so much that goes into leaving the house and if this is something you are struggling with here are some things I would encourage you to get curious about.
It all starts with YOU! You set the tone. You are the anchor as your family navigates the tasks ahead. What part do you play when the morning routine goes well? What part do you play when things are heading off the rails? Can you keep your cool? In all reality, we are going to struggle to navigate the morning routine when tired, running late or stressed worrying about the day ahead. Our nervous systems can easily be triggered into the fight, flight or freeze response and our behaviours might be adding to the craziness. Our children need our calm. What do you notice when you come to the morning routine feeling calm and in control? What helps you to be the adult you need to be in that moment? How might you do more of it?
Regulation is key! When our child meets our calm we can coregulate. Regulated nervous systems are more likely to be able to access the executive functioning skills required to navigate the tasks of the morning routine. Dysregulated nervous systems are stuck in survival mode and are more likely to be flighty, shouty, shut down and flee the scene. What has a calming influence on your child? How could you include it in the morning routine?
Be sensory aware! There is SO much sensory input in the morning routine. What do you notice about your child’s sensory preferences? Maybe there is resistance over brushing teeth, hair or putting socks on. Does your child struggle to wear a coat or find the hustle and bustle of jostling to get out of the door overwhelming? What behaviours do you notice? Could they have a sensory base? What adaptations could you make? Where might you need help?
Be predictable and get visual. Routine creates safety. Knowing what is happening and understanding the expectations helps our children feel safe. Having a predictable routine on a visual timetable or as a tick list reduces the unnecessary auditory input that some children can find so overwhelming, and it supports independence and reduces the cognitive load of trying to remember a sequence of instructions. What is different when you add in some structure?
Connection and playfulness, we are on the same team! “Your energy can be devoted far more productively to collaborating with your child on solutions to the problems that are causing challenging episodes than in sticking with strategies that may actually have made things worse and haven’t led to durable improvement.”― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child. Our children probably dislike the morning routine as much as we do sometimes. They feel the pressure, they dislike being late, feel hurried and a sense of shame. How could you mix it up so getting ready feels playful? Playfulness puts on the breaks and shifts our nervous systems out of survival mode and into the parasympathetic state where we can rest, digest and connect with others. When we work as a team we all pull together to create the desired outcome. Ask your children what we need to get out of the house by 8:30. What do we need to do? How would you like to feel? What might inject some playfulness? They might have some interesting ideas and it also helps them feel connected to the outcome and that they have autonomy.
Autonomy, don’t we all just want to be in control? Choices can be one of your tools. Some children just love them but others might find them overwhelming so notice what happens. How shall we go down the stairs, shall we creep like ninjas or stomp like elephants? Are you going to put your coat on now or when we get outside? Do you want the bottle or green water bottle today? Do you want me to butter your toast or do you want to? How can you support your child to feel heard and in control of the morning routine? What do you notice when you inject some choice into the routine?
Presume competence but support where necessary. Ross W. Greene maintains, “Kids do well when they can,” and when they can't, it's because they are delayed in the development of crucial cognitive skills. I have included a list at the bottom of the page*. How many of these lagging skills impact the morning routine? Where do you notice skills that might be lagging behind? What support might you or your child need to fill the gaps? How does that shift in mindset support you?
Track back. If mornings are tricky check in with the basic needs. Track back to the night before. What do you notice? Are they getting enough sleep, intense movement, nutritious food, hydration, and connection? Take time to notice, get curious and make connections. How much harder is it for you to tackle the daily routine when you are hungry, tired, lonely or anxious?
Empathise. If we’ve changed our mindset from, ‘my child is giving me a hard time to, my child is having a hard time.’ How can we empathise? How can we support our children to share their experiences and feel held, heard and validated? What would be different if you saw the morning routine through their lens? What might surprise you? What might you change?
I would love to know what resonates with your experiences. There might be several areas to check out. If there are, pick one to start exploring with your child. Which one would have the most impact? Try not to do it all at once as it can easily become overwhelming.
If this is something you would like support to navigate, why not explore going deeper with my 6-month coaching package? Invest £900 and receive 12 coaching sessions, tools and email support to help you gain greater awareness of the situation, identify solutions and start taking action. Working together over 6 months enables you to get to the root, trial different approaches and embed and new way to be.
A client explains the impact on her family,
“I was looking for someone to help me with strategies for my neurodivergent 10-year-old son. As he was growing up all the approaches that had worked when he was younger were feeling less applicable and I needed a fresh viewpoint on how to help him.
Now we are in a much better place! Jo helped me to see my son with fresh eyes, looking realistically at his behaviour patterns and trying to spot how we can help him. I am much more aware of his sensory needs and find that I am much more able to adjust our family activities to meet those needs.
Jo has been a calm, sympathetic, practical and knowledgeable sounding board. She made me feel completely safe to be open and honest about the challenges we were facing. She gave me a different lens to look at my son's behaviour and that has been invaluable.
I can't thank Jo enough for the sessions we had together. She enabled me to see my 10-year-old son with fresh eyes, getting to grips with his challenges now rather than his historical challenges and making sure I'm giving him what he needs as an older child. By applying what Jo told me about sensory diets we have been able to make small changes to our family activities which avoid the outbursts we were experiencing. Her warmth, wisdom and insight have been invaluable.”
To book a FREE call to find out more get in touch, Jo@TheEarlyYearsCoach.com
*Lagging skills― Ross W. Greene, The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children
“Our overview of lagging skills is now complete. Of course, that was just a sampling. Here’s a more complete, though hardly exhaustive, list, including those we just reviewed:
Difficulty handling transitions, shifting from one mindset or task to another
Difficulty doing things in a logical sequence or prescribed order
Difficulty persisting on challenging or tedious tasks
Poor sense of time
Difficulty maintaining focus
Difficulty considering the likely outcomes or consequences of actions (impulsive)
Difficulty considering a range of solutions to a problem
Difficulty expressing concerns, needs, or thoughts in words
Difficulty understanding what is being said
Difficulty managing emotional response to frustration so as to think rationally
Chronic irritability and/or anxiety significantly impede capacity for problem-solving or heighten frustration
Difficulty seeing the “grays”/concrete, literal, black-and-white thinking
Difficulty deviating from rules, routine
Difficulty handling unpredictability, ambiguity, uncertainty, novelty
Difficulty shifting from original idea, plan, or solution
Difficulty taking into account situational factors that would suggest the need to adjust a plan of action
Inflexible, inaccurate interpretations/cognitive distortions or biases (e.g., “Everyone’s out to get me,” “Nobody likes me,” “You always blame me,” “It’s not fair,” “I’m stupid”)
Difficulty attending to or accurately interpreting social cues/poor perception of social nuances
Difficulty starting conversations, entering groups, connecting with people/lacking basic social skills
Difficulty seeking attention in appropriate ways
Difficulty appreciating how his/her behaviour is affecting other people
Difficulty empathizing with others, appreciating another person’s perspective or point of view
Difficulty appreciating how s/he is coming across or being perceived by others
Sensory/motor difficulties.”
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