What do you hope for this Christmas? Did you miss the parties and hustle and bustle over the last few years? Were you sad not seeing friends and family or secretly relieved to have a simpler version of Christmas? Whatever your preferences, I wish your family a regulated Christmas.
I had a brief exchange with a Journalist from Psychologies magazine, she was talking to women aged 35+ who were choosing to move away from their traditional family Christmas and create new traditions. What does the thought of creating new traditions feel like to you, does joy bubble up at the freedom or fear squash you into maintaining the status quo?Frequently, I talk to harassed mothers juggling needs of their children, work and expectations of extended families whilst becoming completely disconnected to their own needs, values and identity. Christmas can be a tough time with all the; expectation, change in routines, heightened emotions and the inevitable winter bugs, even with the best intentions we get stuck in comparison, people pleasing, or perfectionism and can become overwhelmed.
Before we go any further take a moment because I firmly believe that a regulated Christmas starts with you.
What would do you want family Christmas look like?
Take the pressure and expectations off.
Your Christmas does not need to look like everyone else's.
What does Christmas mean to you, what is at the heart?
Notice what really matters and allow sensations and feelings to come.
Where might you be feeling frustration or resentment? Where are you feeling joy or freedom?
Write down some notes in a journal, flick through a magazine and create a Christmas vision board (not a Pintrest Christmas, your Christmas.) or close your tired eyes for a moment and daydream.
So with that image sharp in your mind, get clear on your priorities.
Here are some questions to help you get started in thinking it through.
What do you want?
Often we might not know what we want but I expect you can quickly start to list what you don't want. Where does the resistance show up in your body if you don't want to do something?
High on my list this year is slow, gentle and at ease and I'm looking at any potential arrangements through that lens. We are saying no to invitations, choosing to see people outside of the intense busy emotionally charged times, sleeping in our own home and keeping expectations low. Your family might be different and you might thrive on the hustle and love the variety and unpredictability. You might find different family members have conflicting needs.
How can you find the right balance to match your family's unique blend?
What are your family's needs?
What is unique to your family context?
Do you have children with additional needs or a critically ill family member?
How easy is it to see family and friends? Are long journeys involved?
Are social occasions fun or overwhelming?
Can your children sleep in unfamiliar beds?
Is eating outside of your own home impossible?
Where do you have control, what things can you influence and where do you not have control? Where you don't have control, how can you acknowledge that and let it go?
Where do you need help?
"We have too many parents caring for children with inadequate supports. The result is what you would expect. An overwhelmed, exhausted, dysregulated parent will have a hard time regulating a child consistently and predictably." Dr Bruce Perry describes the challenge for many families. No one can do it all, most of us will enter into the Christmas period running on fumes. Our dysregulated nervous systems can't soothe a dysregulated child.
Where can you buy practical help or buy yourself time? What resources are available to you?
How can you stick to these priorities?
Where are you likely to feel pressure to compromise? What is at stake if you deviate from your plan? I know my temptation will be to over schedule and I'm still a recovering perfectionist. In our house that's a sure fire route to meltdown and burnout, for everyone! Writing 'recovery day' into our schedule can be a really helpful reminder. On those days we'll still do something but it will be lower key, probably out in nature, physical and only our family.
How can you stay on track?
Wishing you a Peaceful Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Isaiah 9:6 “For to us a child is born, to us a son is given; and the government shall be upon his shoulder, and his name shall be called Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”
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