When your child struggles with big emotions or oppositional behaviour, it can feel overwhelming and confusing as a parent. You might find yourself wondering: What’s really going on? or How can I help my child navigate this? The truth is, what we see on the surface—anger, defiance, or meltdowns—often masks deeper emotions like shame, sadness, fear, or loneliness. Here’s a guide to understanding what might be happening beneath the behaviour and actionable steps to support your child.
Manage Your Own Reactivity
To be a calming presence for our children, we need to regulate our own emotions first. When we remain calm, we model emotional regulation and provide a safe container for our child’s feelings.
Pause and check your perspective. Take a deep breath, slow down, and ask yourself: Are they struggling in the moment, or are they choosing not to cooperate? More often than not, children lack the skills to self-soothe or manage their emotions effectively.
Do you know this is something you need support with? Email Jo@TheEarlyYearsCoach.com and I'll send you a tool.
Empathy Is Key: Deeply Listening
Listening to your child without judgment or jumping to conclusions helps you understand their experience. Empathy shows your child that you’re on their side, which can defuse defensiveness and build trust.
Instead of reacting immediately, pause and say, “I noticed you’re upset. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
Remember, listening isn’t about fixing the problem right away—it’s about being present and validating their feelings.
Build Connection and Emotional Safety
Children thrive in environments where they feel emotionally safe. Prioritising connection makes it easier to partner with your child rather than engage in power struggles.
Focus on strengths and interests. Highlight their positive traits, such as: “I noticed how kind you were to your sibling earlier!”
Celebrate their wins. Talk about their achievements, big or small, and praise their efforts.
Use games to foster teamwork and cooperation. These activities help build confidence while reducing tension.
Gain Perspective: Helicopter View
When emotions run high, it’s easy to get caught up in the moment. Taking a “helicopter view” can help you see the bigger picture.
Ask yourself: What might my child be feeling underneath the anger or defiance? How frequently is this happening? What pattern can I see?
Give the benefit of the doubt: Is my child deliberately trying to make things difficult, or are they lacking the skills to handle this situation? Are there any unmet needs?
Tools for Supporting Your Child
Reduce Pressure
While structure and routines are important, over-scheduling or constant demands can lead to overwhelm. Be mindful of how much is on your child’s plate and allow space for rest and flexibility.
Focus on Strengths
Help your child build a positive self-image by celebrating their strengths and interests. Tailor your attention to highlight the good. This helps “train” their reticular activating system (the brain’s filter) to notice positive experiences, fostering a cycle of confidence, empowerment and success.
Gratitude Practices
Encourage small moments of gratitude as a family. For instance, share one thing you’re grateful for each day during mealtimes. Gratitude helps shift focus away from negativity.
Name It to Tame It
Help your child label their emotions. For example: “It looks like you’re feeling really frustrated right now. Can we figure this out together?” Normalising their feelings helps them feel understood and teaches emotional literacy.
Avoid Power Struggles
Power struggles often escalate conflict. Instead of battling for control, work with your child to solve problems collaboratively. Empower them with choices and shared solutions, such as: “Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner?” Be a calm, confident collaborator.
Understanding the Deeper Emotions
Anger is often a surface emotion—a signpost pointing to something deeper. Your child might be experiencing shame from feeling misunderstood, sadness from a perceived loss, or fear of failing. By addressing these underlying emotions, you can create a path for healing and growth.
Partnering with Your Child
Ultimately, the goal is to build a partnership with your child. Approach them with curiosity, patience, and compassion. When you show up as a calm, connected, and positive partner, you teach your child how to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and confidence.
You’ve got this! Parenting through big emotions isn’t easy, but every empathetic response strengthens your child’s emotional toolkit—and your connection.
Need More Support? Consider 1:1 Parent Coaching
If you’re finding it difficult to navigate the challenges of parenting, consider 1:1 parent coaching. Together, we can tailor our conversations to meet the needs of your unique context, ensuring that you:
Conquer overwhelm with a personalised family plan that aligns with your child’s capacity.
Create an environment for smooth transitions using proven tools and techniques that respect your child’s needs.
Implement strategies for emotional regulation, fostering a calm and supportive home atmosphere.
Enhance communication skills for more effective interactions with teachers and other caregivers.
Identify and address lagging skills promptly, ensuring they don’t become overwhelming.
Embed learning in a way that feels natural and secure.
Leverage your child’s strengths to build confidence and resilience, focusing on what they can do.
Support your child’s self-advocacy skills, helping them express their needs and preferences effectively.
Together, we can create a supportive, low-demand environment where your child—and your family—can thrive.
Book a FREE discovery call to learn more and secure your place.
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